Confessions of a Former Homophobe (kinda)

I wish I couldn't apply the word, "homophobe" to myself. I wish I could give myself the grace of a blogger I will discuss today and say I wasn't really afraid of homosexuals but that wouldn't be entirely honest. I was afraid of them. And confused by them. I can say the homophobia was short lived and the majority of my life I was not afraid of gay people, but I felt like they were deceived by Satan and kinda icky. That last bit is something I'm especially not proud of. I'm so sorry.

I was remembering the other day that the first time I was aware gay people existed in the world was when I saw the movie Philadelphia. It was a hugely confusing moment for me because it was explained to me that Tom Hank's being gay was wrong but anyone who has seen that movie knows that Hank's performance rips your heart out. I was so upset by his treatment in that movie, it bothered me for a long time afterwards. However, it didn't really hit home or challenge my thoughts and feelings about gay people. I made it all about AIDs discrimination and left it at that.

The first real confusion I felt about gay people came when I saw The Laramie Project. That play is extremely powerful and for the first time gay people were not sinful and sexually depraved. I saw them, as a character in the play says, as just God's kids. Just like me. And I didn't know what to do with that thought. I was 19 at this time and I was so used to thinking of gay people as strange, unnatural people that I didn't even know where to begin changing that opinion. To my knowledge I had never known a gay person and I was honestly afraid to discuss any of these thoughts with my friends or family. So I just buried them.

Then I made my first openly gay friend and my foundations started to get rocked. Then I made another and I started thinking, this doesn't seem fair. These are good people. Then a guy I had led a Bible study with and greatly admired during my years in college (I still admire you Matt!) revealed that he was gay. That's when everything started falling down around me and I finally got the courage to admit to a friend that I was starting to think maybe being gay was not a sin after all.

However, even though I love these aforementioned people, at this time they were not parts of my everyday life.   Thoughts of them preyed on my mind but the rhetoric of "being gay is a sin, just like every other, but a sin and they chose it" was just too deeply ingrained. After all, man + woman = baby and that was a logic I couldn't dispute. It was all still a somewhat hazy, confusing subject for me. Until I met my friend Scott, one of my most beloved friends in Syracuse who has been a wonderful addition to the Blum's lives. Scott and I share a brain too often and for me that is a rare find, one that I treasure. When I found out this fantastic human was gay I realized my days of sitting on the fence were over, I was going to have to figure this thing out.

I have reached a place in my life where I believe completely that being gay is not a choice, nor a sin. I believe God will bless a committed, loving gay relationship equally. I believe his arms are open to his gay children and I think it's time the rest of his kids caught up. It's not been an easy journey and I don't expect it to be. My family and many of my friends do not agree with me and have made it clear, some more lovingly than others, that they believe I am wrong. But I have to go with my heart. If you're curious how I feel about the scriptures addressing homosexuality I would like to refer you to my friend Matt Roger's blog where he, in "The Gay Posts", very thoughtfully and thoroughly addresses all the scriptures and other issues. I agree with him.

Now, as an "ally" (for some reason I feel funny using that word, maybe because it's so politicized) I want to share a couple things that have surfaced that last couple days in light of that abysmal amendment passing in North Caroline (to me that amendment essentially said, "Hey! It's already illegal for gays to be equal citizens but let's just make sure they understand that we REALLY mean it. No equality for you!") I was pleased President Obama had the guts to support marriage equality publicly. I'm sure it was not an easy decision with the election coming up around the corner. I loved this statement he made:

“The thing at root that we think about is, not only Christ sacrificing himself on our behalf, but it’s also the golden rule — you know, treat others the way you would want to be treated. And I think that’s what we try to impart to our kids, and that’s what motivates me as president.”

Thank you, President Obama for this grace-filled statement. Because he is very right, as Christians, even if you believe being gay is a sin, you are still called to love your neighbor as yourself. How would you feel if your neighbor was going out of their way to cripple your family's legal rights?

A great blogger, Justin Lee made this statement that, as someone who formerly did all manner of damage to people in the name of Christ, I sincerely believe:
 

"I find that most Christians are totally unaware of how mean the church can be to gay people, and so they don't know that they need to do anything to fix it. As long as it's not fixed, it's going to be hard to give gay people a reason to come back to the church."

 I'm pretty sure he doesn't just mean the church building, he means the body of Christ. And, from my point of view, it can be hard both for gay Christians and gay-affirming Christians to be a part of the family these days. This issue is becoming so polarizing, there's so much anger, hurt, slander and fear that I am afraid the followers of Christ have forgotten the love part of their mission. I'm not trying to say that people on the pro-gay side are always right and always accepting. They aren't. I'm not. But I'm striving to be. We must all extend grace. Justin made this other great statement:

"I owe an apology to all the people I've hurt, and I of course offer my unconditional forgiveness to anyone who may have hurt me. We all make mistakes, and we're all trying to stand for what's right. It's just that sometimes we don't have all the facts even when we think we do." 

 It's like he reached into my brain and plucked out this thought. I owe apologies to many people I'm sure. I have been awful sometimes, whether aloud or in my mind. I know from my past that people that don't agree with me, the people who voted for Amendment 1 in North Carolina or who keep overturning marriage equality in California are not bad, evil, heartless people. They are doing what they think is right. Not too long ago I would have agreed with them. Not because I hated gay people or thought they deserved less than me, but because I believed that they were deceived and that by stopping them from marrying I was somehow protecting them and myself. That somehow it would make America a better place and more people would come to know Jesus.

Clearly, I no longer believe this but that's because I had a chance to meet people who changed my mind. Because I have a family that encourages me to question beliefs even if the answers I come up with don't match up with theirs. I have a spouse that loves me through my changes, doubts and fear. I have friends, like the Sara I write this blog with, who have helped me through this journey. These people have given me the courage to doubt, to wholly give myself up to my questions and finally find some closure. If you've never been in the position to doubt your foundational beliefs, I think it's difficult to appreciate just how terrifying it truly is. That's what we're asking people to do when we ask them to vote for and support marriage equality. Keep that in mind when someone on the opposite side of a great divide makes you want to scream. Extend them grace in their journey. I will try to take my own advice.

More Confessions, This Time from a Total Hypocrite

I read this fantastic post yesterday and today I am still thinking about it. I've read it three or four times and each time, I think new thoughts. The author, Glennon, has so many wonderful points to make but today I'm going to focus on this one because it goes hand in hand with a comment my favorite blogger Alise made on a post I also read yesterday. Glennon said this:

I don’t know much. But I know that each time I see something heartbreaking on the news, each time I encounter a problem outside, the answer to the problem is inside. The problem is ALWAYS me and the solution is ALWAYS me. If I want my world to be less vicious, then I must become more gentle. If I want my children to embrace other children for who they are, to treat other children with the dignity and respect every child of God deserves, then I had better treat other adults the same way. And I better make sure that my children know beyond a shadow of a doubt that in God’s and their father’s and my eyes, they are okay. They are fine. They are loved as they are. Without a single unless. Because the kids who bully are those who are afraid that a secret part of themselves is not okay.

And Alise said this:

So in Matthew 18, Jesus tells us to treat those under church discipline like tax collectors. And he shows us how to treat tax collectors by inviting them to be his disciples, by eating with them, by loving them just the same.
Not to mention that that verses directly following the church discipline verses are about the ones who refuse to forgive. Not the ones who refuse to ask for forgiveness, but those who refuse to GIVE forgiveness.
This will certainly be my challenge today – to extend forgiveness to those who hurt others in the name of the gospel.

It's too easy to blame everyone and feel so enraged at their shortcomings. Even after reading these two compassionate, grace-filled posts, last night I found myself angrily brandishing a spatula of judgement while making dinner. My friend had just told me some of the ridiculous, obtuse, hurtful comments other teachers had made about gay teens being bullied in their school and I had exclaimed (I paraphrase) "Just when I start thinking the world is an okay place and that we are making steps forward I hear this crap!" And I fumed to myself.

This morning, I was fuming some more as I reread Glennon's post, self-righteously thinking, "Close-minded jerks! Homophobic, hateful, terrible people!" (I know, my threats are childish but I'm not big on swearing) And then I was stopped dead in my tracks by her comment- "The problem is ALWAYS me and the solution is ALWAYS me." Where is my love? "This will certainly be my challenge today – to extend forgiveness to those who hurt others in the name of the gospel." I hadn't even dreamed of forgiving these people. I was way too busy calling them bigots.

I'm a generally calm person. I've spent a lot of my life being chided by my best friend for not showing enough emotion. But, oh buddy, say something to hurt my friends and I will go bat-shit crazy with anger. I will literally see red and just lose it. It's really not a good trait and it's extremely hypocritical. I write all these hippy-sounding posts, "hey man, all you need is love. Let's give peace a chance" and then 10 minutes later I am fuming.

So I'm confessing it here. I suck at loving my enemies. I am terrible at forgiving them. But I want to be better. I am going to get better. I really believe what Glennon wrote about needing to set an example for our kids of who we want them to be and I desperately want to be a good mom. I really want to raise my kids to be kind and loving; much better at it than their mom was. I want our family to be about loving people. Loving every person. Valuing every person. Even the ones we don't really think deserve it. Because every life is precious and every human has amazing, incredible, unknowable potential. I always want to be nudging people towards the best they can be.

All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all love, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal... it is immortals who we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit- immortal horrors or everlasting splendours.
- C.S. Lewis

Confessions of a Conformist

It's so easy to just agree with things. Thinking for yourself is.... exhausting. It's so much easier to be carried along by group mentality. It's so comforting to have a posse of people who agree with you and tell you what you think is good and right. I love to be a follower. I love to just agree and not think about all of the ramifications. Sometimes I really miss my old life where I was safely ensconced in a group of people that believed everything that I believed and therefore, I knew we were right. This is basic evolution. There is safety in numbers and my brain knows it. Which is why my brain screams panic and red alert all the time when I push away from the safety of my herd.

This time last year I was starting to really move out of the boundaries of our circle of Christian friends. I became vague and distant, holding them at arm's length. As my frustration grew, my rejection of all the beliefs I grew up with become vehement and angry. I didn't even want to call myself a Christian anymore, and not in the trendy, "I'm a follower of Christ" or hip, "I'm a friend of Jesus" kind of way. In the angry "I don't even believe this religion anymore!" kind of way. And then I calmed down and Christmas came and I realized I didn't want to give up all of my beliefs and I started to drift towards just a quiet disgust with religion. And then I read this thought provoking post by Zack Hunt “Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus” – The False Dichotomy and I thought to myself, "Sara, you are a major conformist. Way to jump on the bandwagon of blame." Because I had seen that video he talks about before and thought, "Yeah! stupid religion, you ruin everything." Which is just not true.

This is why I sometimes feel scared that I will never arrive at a place of calm or peace in my spiritual life. I don't trust myself, I don't trust religious leaders. I am suspicious, cranky and always looking for signs that I am being emotionally manipulated. I am skeptical and angry, yet I still cry when I read about Mother Teresa or imagine the beauty of true grace.

If you've read any of my other posts you won't be surprised to hear there is only one thing I really believe in right now, and that is love. Call me a hippy, a simpleton, naive or foolish but love, charity, and compassion are the only things that are never wrong. Love is never wrong. Love is always good. There is never too much of it. Everyone needs more. It can and does change the world. And if I believe the Bible at all, and I believe that Jesus did say that the greatest of commands was to love the Lord and love your neighbor, that is something I can get behind. That's something I don't need or want to give up. Because all of the things about the church or Christians or Christianity or whatever that I hate are not the result of love. Being bigots, rejecting  homosexuals and making them second class citizens, judgement and fear are not part of love. We all screw up and I'm guilty of all the things I just listed, but, beloved, let us love one another.

My Confession

I mentioned in the first post on this blog how scared I am of essentially "coming out" to my conservative religious friends and family. Right now the thought of it literally ties my stomach in knots. I want to be brave, I want to just say what I think, whether or not I know that I'm right 100%. I don't really want to fight or debate or try to change anyone's mind, I just want to feel like I can be honest with the people I call my friends. But, I don't feel that way. And I know I'm a coward. But there are so many variables...

It's beyond the word difficult for me to just let go of so much that I've believed for so many years. As I've become less arrogant (I hope) and gotten older, I question myself more than I ever have before. Lately, I've argued, debated and agonized over the question, "Is being gay a sin?" and this debate has shaken me to my core.

My heart says, no, it can't be. There's no way. My head even agrees with my heart. I'd even come to a place of confidence to the point that I sent letters to every congressman, senator, whomever I could telling them that, as a NY state citizen and a Christian I firmly believed that gay marriage should be legal. I even told people I thought it should be legal. And finally, I took the first step and told someone I didn't believe being gay was a sin. Our ensuing conversation was lengthy and nuanced but the part that haunted me and tore at my heart was when she said that I was holding my gay friend's hands on their way to hell by not telling them to repent. Ouch. It's been weeks since this conversation and I am haunted by those words and the tiny voice whispering- what if she's right? What if that is what I'm doing?

I wish the voices would just shut up.

I can't stand it anymore.

Is this what God wants? Agony and misery and shame and hiding and questioning and never feeling safe? If God is good... if he is loving... why would he condemn someone who is just looking for someone to love? For companionship and a home? For everything that I have been lucky enough to find in my husband. Why  shouldn't my friends deserve that?

Here's the thing. Even if you're TOTALLY and completely wrong, and it's an outright sin to be gay, what damage have you done? If being gay is a sin, or even acting upon feelings you have toward a member of the same sex is a sin, are those people that you have continued to love and accept going to go to hell, because you didn't show them the path to redemption by opening their eyes to their sinful relationship?

No. Because the only way to get to heaven is through faith in Christ. Not straight faith, just faith.

If our (Christianity as a whole) stand against gays, or against BEING gay, or ACTING gay, or even thinking gay, will that stand not drive others away from Christianity?...I don't want to be wishy washy about my faith, or what God requires of us. But I know he doesn't want us to hate. He wants us to love. I figure if we can bring people to Him through love, He will speak to their hearts for the rest.

Rebecca, who wrote that comment, I wish I knew you. I really do. I want to talk with you and ask you if these words are true and you are at peace or if your fear ever eats you alive like mine does. Do you have past teachings in your heart, like I do, that appear suddenly and cover your hands with the blood of the lost?

This is my true struggle- I don't want to fail my friends. I don't want to die and face God and have him show me all the people who I was meant to save but didn't because I was too scared or misled. That is my greatest fear, my ultimate fear.

I grew up being taught that I had the absolute truth in my hands. I spent a lot of my teen years learning from a ministry I was involved in that the souls of the lost are in my hands- that the blood of the lost is on my head if I don't do everything in my power to "save" them. I spent all four years of college as a "leader" in a Christan campus ministry, steeped in responsibility for the people around me, desperately trying to grow the church. These are not light beliefs that I've held and can slough off. They are burned inside of me and I want, I need to know that I am not failing the people around me by following my heart, changing my beliefs, challenging theirs. I don't want to be a deceiver or lead people astray. I don't want to hold anyone's hand on the way to hell.