My Confession

I mentioned in the first post on this blog how scared I am of essentially "coming out" to my conservative religious friends and family. Right now the thought of it literally ties my stomach in knots. I want to be brave, I want to just say what I think, whether or not I know that I'm right 100%. I don't really want to fight or debate or try to change anyone's mind, I just want to feel like I can be honest with the people I call my friends. But, I don't feel that way. And I know I'm a coward. But there are so many variables...

It's beyond the word difficult for me to just let go of so much that I've believed for so many years. As I've become less arrogant (I hope) and gotten older, I question myself more than I ever have before. Lately, I've argued, debated and agonized over the question, "Is being gay a sin?" and this debate has shaken me to my core.

My heart says, no, it can't be. There's no way. My head even agrees with my heart. I'd even come to a place of confidence to the point that I sent letters to every congressman, senator, whomever I could telling them that, as a NY state citizen and a Christian I firmly believed that gay marriage should be legal. I even told people I thought it should be legal. And finally, I took the first step and told someone I didn't believe being gay was a sin. Our ensuing conversation was lengthy and nuanced but the part that haunted me and tore at my heart was when she said that I was holding my gay friend's hands on their way to hell by not telling them to repent. Ouch. It's been weeks since this conversation and I am haunted by those words and the tiny voice whispering- what if she's right? What if that is what I'm doing?

I wish the voices would just shut up.

I can't stand it anymore.

Is this what God wants? Agony and misery and shame and hiding and questioning and never feeling safe? If God is good... if he is loving... why would he condemn someone who is just looking for someone to love? For companionship and a home? For everything that I have been lucky enough to find in my husband. Why  shouldn't my friends deserve that?

Here's the thing. Even if you're TOTALLY and completely wrong, and it's an outright sin to be gay, what damage have you done? If being gay is a sin, or even acting upon feelings you have toward a member of the same sex is a sin, are those people that you have continued to love and accept going to go to hell, because you didn't show them the path to redemption by opening their eyes to their sinful relationship?

No. Because the only way to get to heaven is through faith in Christ. Not straight faith, just faith.

If our (Christianity as a whole) stand against gays, or against BEING gay, or ACTING gay, or even thinking gay, will that stand not drive others away from Christianity?...I don't want to be wishy washy about my faith, or what God requires of us. But I know he doesn't want us to hate. He wants us to love. I figure if we can bring people to Him through love, He will speak to their hearts for the rest.

Rebecca, who wrote that comment, I wish I knew you. I really do. I want to talk with you and ask you if these words are true and you are at peace or if your fear ever eats you alive like mine does. Do you have past teachings in your heart, like I do, that appear suddenly and cover your hands with the blood of the lost?

This is my true struggle- I don't want to fail my friends. I don't want to die and face God and have him show me all the people who I was meant to save but didn't because I was too scared or misled. That is my greatest fear, my ultimate fear.

I grew up being taught that I had the absolute truth in my hands. I spent a lot of my teen years learning from a ministry I was involved in that the souls of the lost are in my hands- that the blood of the lost is on my head if I don't do everything in my power to "save" them. I spent all four years of college as a "leader" in a Christan campus ministry, steeped in responsibility for the people around me, desperately trying to grow the church. These are not light beliefs that I've held and can slough off. They are burned inside of me and I want, I need to know that I am not failing the people around me by following my heart, changing my beliefs, challenging theirs. I don't want to be a deceiver or lead people astray. I don't want to hold anyone's hand on the way to hell.

Don't you think it's weird that oftentimes (in my experience) Christians seem to believe we humans have ALL this power over salvation and eternity but anything else that goes right or wrong is God or Satan pulling the strings? I've been thinking about this a lot lately after getting into a grand debate with one of my friends over whether or not gay marriage being legalized in New York and the "homosexual agenda" (in this case we were discussing diversity days in public schools) in schools was indeed the work of Satan to undermine the morals of our country. I didn't think so, but she disagreed.

Which is fine, I'm not writing this to say my friend was wrong or I am right because frankly, I'm not 100% positive either way. I do know that if I was a same-sex parent of a child in public school I would not want my child to be discriminated against or told that our family was not "normal" or "okay." A public school is a place, in my opinion, where discrimination, inequality and favoritism (which all mean essentially the same thing) should not exist, as far as that is possible. Every parent should be respected and treated equally.

But enough about politics, this is more about the following quote by my dear friend and co-blogger. It's mid-rant (we like to rant to each other) so it begins as a fractured thought but I think the point is clear:

"To claim that God isn't micro-managing life for everyone, that sometimes things happen because we affect each other in daily ways every day and it's those interactions that positively or negatively influence our emotions, circumstances, etc."

 I agree with her but it raises the question in me- how concerned should I really be about Satan's agenda or influence? Should I be watching the political climate, trying to ferret out the schemes of the devil and oppose them? Are we living on God and Satan's chess board? I'm not trying to mock at all, these are things that I really wonder about.

I guess my thought is that if I'm doing my best to bring heaven to this world and striving, as the blog title indicates, to live a life characterized by charity, mercy and restraint, then wouldn't that be combating evil effectively. Do I need the additional fear of "Look out for the devil!" to motivate me? I don't want to. If there is one thing I'm trying to get away from, it is the motive of fear. It seems that Christians play the fear card all too often and that is something I don't like. I don't want to serve God and do the right thing because I'm afraid of death, Satan or hell. I want to serve him because he's good and service to him makes me good.

Does that make sense?