Saturday, October 15, 2011

I know I'm not the only one

Maybe by virtue of being named "Sara", we share similar views - you know, based on our namesake who started the Israelite nation. Can't get much cooler than that. Consequently, we Saras laugh at convention and know there is something else waiting around the bend that will blow the world's ever-loving mind. But I digress.

My world began to change when my brother came out. I didn't know it at the time, I was a youth group leader for an amazing church in New Jersey (hollah back at me) and I thought I had everything religious wrapped up in a pretty bow and shelved. I had my devotional routine, I had my packaged set of services I "provided" for God - my work for the church, my views all aligned with mainstream Christianity (our my perception of it). I was set.

It was a conversation with a fellow churchgoer friend of mine that slowly showed me there is more (there is always more) to think about. She was what I termed a "liberal Christian" (oh those labels!!) one who I considered lackadaisical - when really she was open-minded and understood that there are more shades of gray than most of us are willing to accept.

Because above all, I think we all want to be right. We want to be the people who have our proverbial shit together. We want to be the top dogs, the ones everyone else is jealous of. And even if it isn't as coarse as that - we want to know we are ok, so we can stop WORRYING about stuff all the time. I think the hardest lesson, still, to learn is, we aren't. And it's those of us who never give up, and don't get discouraged when we are wrong and continue to keep pushing on, that make this life worth living.

And I was wrong, a lot, in my 20's (oh my 20's!). So much so, I still find myself apologizing to people for the things I've said or done to them 10 years ago - in the name of "guiding them towards the light", when really, that "light" was a flashlight with a dying battery that I pretended was real.

My overall goal is to keep learning - to understand that if God is as big as He says he is and we all claim him to be, that I will be wrong - A LOT. And for the first time in my life, I ENJOY people. Really truly enjoy them. There isn't some hidden agenda in my head for converting them. Because, let's be honest - if any group has some fucking hidden agenda, it's CHRISTIANS. We INVENTED hidden agendas. Oh, hi friend. I'll be your friend, your BEST bestest friend IF (IF) you accept Jesus into your heart. Only then. Because until then, I'm going to keep sneaking "church" "Jesus" "look what God has done in my life" conversation tidbits into our hang-out times. Because I have a hidden agenda.

That's me. I knew I wasn't alone, and I know there are others out there who feel the same way. I'm glad one found me :o)

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